Guilt Commingles Beautifully with Grief

My college alma mater hosted their annual gala this weekend.   I missed it last year because it was right after Connor died and I wasn’t going anywhere at that time.   So, this year, I was looking forward to it.   I love to get dressed up and we were going with good friends, which makes it even more fun.  

While there, I enjoyed the music, food and bidding on silent auction items, including a painting by the same artist who did my “Many Faces of Connor” painting (which I ended up winning).  I loved running into several of my college sorority sisters who I hadn’t seen in a while.  And then it happened… the feeling I’d been trying to suppress all night…

Three times I had people pull me aside and tell me that they think of me often and are just very sorry for what we’ve been through.  Now, I know this comes from a place of love, compassion and concern so I am in no way upset that these people were kind enough to say something to me.  In fact, I greatly appreciate it and fundamentally believe that the prayers and well wishes are what’s gotten me through the past 13 months. 

I, of course, thanked each one for their kind words, but that feeling I’d been suppressing came out in force.  GUILT!  Why was I out having fun when my son was dead?  Why was I granted the opportunity to continue living life when he wasn’t?   I tried to squash the feeling and re-focus on the night, but the guilt lingered. 

I know that it’s unreasonable to feel guilty for things I cannot control.  I know it’s silly to think I should stay home and not get back to some semblance of life.  I recognize that Connor would not want me to sulk and be miserable.  I know all of these rational things, but I still can’t seem to shake the guilt.  

From what I’ve read of others who have lost children, it’s normal to feel this way.  I don’t like it.  However, I’m not sure I have a choice in the matter.  Maybe this guilty feeling will subside over time. I hope so, but for now, I will continue to try and do things. I will smile for the camera. I will thank people for the kind words. I will make it appear like I’m moving forward. All the while, pushing down my guilt which comingles beautifully with grief.  ∞